You know all those times you're really tempted to update your facebook status so as to share a certain something with a certain someone(s) or just get attention or whatever but then you don't because you don't want everyone to know just how big of a pathetic loser you are or you don't want to look like that crazy person that updates their status all the time.. ok maybe you don't. And I guess that's what twitters for now, stupid twitter. Anyway, I figure I can just come write all this stuff right here where no one will every read it.

Fb statuses recently conceived of but didn't make the cut:
- "the shell must break before the bird can fly." -tennyson
- thanks drunken sky for your love
- is gonna find another you. i hope he looks like you, yea and he's nicer too.
- to everyone in the past weeks who took me out for meals/ice cream, petted me, watched movies with me, listen to that dumb song i wrote, gave me cards, listened to my anger fits, checked on me, and prayed for me, THANK YOU. I love you.
- feels guilty for going to bed this early
- sad life moment #24: riding past the boot after closing down the library and seeing everyone having fun.
- slept 12 straight hours last night and now feel like i've been hit by a bus
- can't wait until you realize the song "nothin' on you" is actually about me.
- going home for the weekend to get loved on by mommy and daddy
- is a "worthwhile young lady"
- thank you Lisa Settles for the sweetest card that made my week
- cried in church today when the children sang "He's got everyone here in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands."

I couldn't sleep last night; at least it felt that way. My night was spent in one of those states where you could swear you were awake because you're so accutely aware of the passage of time within the confines of your dream. But you must be asleep, because you are dreaming after all, although it seems so real. I was in Sydney, a dark, monochromatic place that is nothing like Sydney; but I instinctively knew that's where I was. It was time for me to leave but one thing after another kept preventing me from leaving. I couldn't get all my things packed, more suitcases and articles of clothing or souvenirs kept appearing out of nowhere. I couldn't navigate the gloomy halls of the airport which made me too late to check my bags onto my flight. And I was so frustrated, I begged the lady behind the counter to let me on the plane because I had said my goodbyes and just needed to be on my way home. I didn't need all that stuff, I just needed to get going. But somehow I just ended up back on the street. And I was alone, and I was sad.

I woke up around 7 this morning disturbed by all the games my mind had been playing on me and feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed. I rolled over and felt relieved that it was over, but upon falling back to sleep, everything picked back up just as it had been left.

My heart is so heavy that I fear my chest will soon be unable to hold it. Some certain combination of memory, emotion tied up with memory, weird dreams, and a tiresome day have me missing Sydney more than I can say. I'm grieving it. I'm grieving the friends and the ridiculous adventures we'd go on and the stupid situations I'd get into; they were always there to help get me out. I miss King Street, it was always buzzing, there was always something new to discover there. I remember when a friend took me to Mickey's and I had my first slice of mortal sin cake. I couldn't even eat a quarter of it, but it was so good. There were so many little shops and restaurants I always meant to go into, but now I'll never get the chance. I long for those runs I would go on through the different neighborhoods. I would get lost just about every time but always discovered some new place, some minute detail of the city that was intriguing and wonderful to me. I'm grieving the way the skyline turned golden at night, and the awe I felt every time I saw the opera house, and that last night we spent on the steps laughing. I loved that night, but I remember that frantic feeling that built in the back of my mind as the sunrise grew closer.

And my mind goes back to those minutes at the airport. Those horrible minutes of panic and tears and of that feeling. I was so painfully aware of everything I was losing, I was walking away from it of my own volition, but felt so helpless at the same time. Perhaps thats why I return there in my dreams. I'm finding it so very difficult to deal with what I felt; with what I'm feeling. I try, but I just can't leave.

People ask me what Australia was like and its such an unfair question. I can feel my eyes get bigger as if they were directly connected to the swelling of my heart. All I can manage to say is something along the lines of,"it was so amazing..." etc. etc. But I wish I could really just have them see what it was like or feel a little bit of what I felt. I think what tears me up is I can never get back those moments, that experience. I can go to Sydney and I'm sure it would be amazing but that place and those times are now permanently confined to a space in my memory.

Coming back to the place I call home has been all well and good and I find myself so comfortable at times and I find myself thinking,"wow, its like I never really left." But when I stop and think about that feeling, it saddens me deeply. Its like the last four months never happened, they were about as real as those haunting dreams I had last night. The further I get away from them, my memory will slowly let me down and it scares me a bit. It scares me a bit in regards to Sydney and it scares me a bit in general. All of these times, these wonderful people and places will pass on. They'll surely leave their footprints in my memory but time will roll up like an ocean wave and gently sweep them away. And when this happens, of these, what will remain?

I suppose in this moment its rather ironic that Isaiah 40 comes to mind, particularly v.6-9 which are some of my most favorite verses. And I'm mentally exhausted so this shall have to suffice as an awkward conclusion.

Sorry Xanga, but whilst I'm in Australia a new blog is acting as my outlet to the world.

kat-davis.blogspot.com

See you at Thanksgiving!