I want to talk about Jesus.

I had this frantic feeling that I just needed to talk to anybody about Jesus, just have a little spiritual conversation-good, bad, crazy-or else I might explode. I can't find anyone to talk to, and it feels like I'm drying up. Like I'm withering. My spirit cries out from deep inside of me and I thirst for living water. Just one sustaining drop to keep me in this inhospitible place.

There is so much in this place that I love, so many things amazing beyond words and attempts at description. Its the grandest blessing. But there are so many dazzling distractions. I struggle to stand up against them as time wears on apart from my strong community that I left a vast ocean's distance away.

I miss sitting on the couch and talking for hours and hours about the world and the very real presence of God within it until you wanted to kick me out so you could get your beauty rest. But I never wanted to leave. And I miss sitting across from that guitar as we sang our hearts out to the Living God who enveloped us in that room. I miss grumbling as I rolled out of bed on Monday mornings to go hold hands with people I love as we brought our petitions before our creator and sustainer, knowing no word went unheard or uncared for.

So this is the challenge that must be faced, that cannot be shied away from. These are the moments that determine growth. When the face of God seems hidden, will I search with diligence? How long will I continue to pursue in spite of inconvenience, complacency, distraction, the feeling of unworthiness, uncertainty, and even resistance? Is this where my vision become clouded and my sight lost?

You are the same here and there; then, now, and forever. Oh, would you remind me?

Its really quiet in the house now, as Grandaddy has gone to bed. I've had a pretty emotionally charged couple of days. Its hard to believe I got to Shreveport only yesterday.

I went to the hospital with Grandaddy shortly after I got here around 5:30 to see Grandma. I was taken aback by her resilience. She was laid up in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of her that click every 30 seconds to inject some weirdo fluid into her bloodstream and she can't move without tons of help. We don't know what's wrong yet, even still today, because she hasn't been able to get an MRI, but she was so happy to see me. She was just so happy. She was glowing, radiant. Grandma embodies love: it doesn't matter what her circumstances are because she was around her family, and that was enough.

After coming home from the hospital we returned home for dinner. Grandaddy invited over the guy that does computer stuff for him because he's having a really hard time right now, and he brought his little girl, Juliette, with him. She introduced herself as Juliette with two T's and two E's. Juliette brought over her barrel of slime and we played and played all night. He was so happy to be with his little girl and see her happy. Spending time with people like that is incredible; you're just simply spending time with each other, but being around people that care for you can lift your burdens. Another example of love.

When everyone had left, I got an anticipated phone call. He discreetly slipped into conversation that he had been thinking about me a lot. I didn't have the guts to admit that I cannot stop thinking about him. If I stay til Saturday, he said he'd take me out. Although its the hardest decision I feel like I've had to make this month, I think I'm going to have to go back to New Orleans on Wednesday.

Elizabeth and I went and sat with Grandaddy after I hung up the phone, I in his lap and she in the chair next to us. He started talking about Grandma, reflecting on their first date and all their years together. Elizabeth and I saw him wipe a tear from his eye. I felt my heart welling up until I thought it would burst. The three of us went and sat on the couch and we gave Grandaddy a back scratch, his all time favorite thing. He continued to reminisce and all I could think about was how I want a love like that and how immensely God has blessed our family. We've had some rough patches, but we're all in one piece and we know that we love each other. After some more cuddle time, we tucked him into bed.

Grandma sent me some furniture, but the chairs she sent really didn't fit my house so I brought them back with me and Elizabeth helped me move them into the attic. When we were kids and our grandparents still lived in Dudley Square we would spend hours and hours playing in the huge attic on the third story. And once again we found our 20 year old selves discovering hidden treasures. We found scores of old photos including one of Grandma and Grandaddy together in high school after one of Grandaddy's football games; they were the most beautiful teenagers I've ever seen. I tried on my mom's Cotillion dress and both of us tried on Grandma's wedding dress and Grandaddy's football state champs letterman jacket. Elizabeth went to watch tv and I stayed in the attic a bit longer to just linger there around all these things that held so much meaning. All the things of memories.

The two of us stayed up all night talking. She really needed someone to just listen, and I'm so glad that I can be that person for her. I'm so glad that we're best of friends again.

Today she and I woke up and while I was pouring myself a bowl of cereal, Elizabeth decided she wanted some donuts. So we headed to Southern Maid (not that I eat donuts). When we got back I ate that bowl of cereal and we went to the hospital a bit later to spend time with Grandma. For lunch, Elizabeth requested Strawn's so Grandaddy took us there for meatloaf and chicken fried steak; the food of champions. Then Elizabeth headed onto Dallas to begin the internship she'll have for the rest of the summer. I went back to the house for a bit to take care of a few things before heading back to the hospital.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with Grandma, just sitting on the couch next to her bed trying to soak up every little bit of the person that she is. Not taking a single moment for granted.

At dinner time, I said goodbye and went home for dinner. Grandaddy always spoils me, tonight being no different. He made us bacon swiss mushroom burgers. I went for a nice run after and swam for a bit in the dark trying to replay the proceeding hours back in my mind. Then it turns out I locked myself out in the courtyard and had to wait a considerable amount of time before deaf Grandaddy heard me banging on the windows to be let back in.

And here I sit. In the midst of a challenging time, watching my grandparents encounter difficulties that come along with aging, God brings forth such joy. I've experienced a new level of closeness with people I adore. Out of a sad time, beauty emerges. Beauty is always enveloping us, but we take it for granted most days and let it pass us by. This trip is about breaking that cycle, about living in love and beauty that I so often take for granted.

Hellooooooooo. I thought now would be a fun time to update the ol' Xanger. Hm, let's see. I don't really have anything particular in mind to talk about. Um.. I'm on here because I can't go to bed yet because I'm afraid to lay down. Does that ever happen to you? Yea that's why I HATE leaving 50 before 2.. anyways..

I have some exciting news: I'M LEAVING FOR AUSTRALIA IN EXACTLY THREE WEEKS FROM TODAY. Omg, I'm really scared, but I'm also the most excited ever! A large bummer presents itself with this news however: I only have 3 weekends left in nola. That's a bummer. I'm so attached to this place and these people and I feel like I just got settled into my house. Mom came and brought me a bunch of really sweet stuff so I ended up rearranging the living room today. We also went shopping for me a new jacket to bring to Australia so I can have like one thing I never take off in the winter, if that makes any sense. I settled on a Patagonia better sweater jacket. If you don't know what that is, take my word that it is utterly amazing. Mom finally got her a pair of Rainbows after I've been telling her for months that I swear by them. They really are more comfortable than tennis shoes.

I've been checking the weather, today and tomorrow (or yesterday and today depending on how your look at it) its gotten/will get up to 98 degrees! Do you know how hot that is in Nola? My car was trying to tell me it was 105 degrees today. The freakin' heat index right now and like 2 in the morning is in the 90s!! I can't believe it. I can bare the heat pretty well, but this is borderline unbearable, not to mention its really ruining my exercise routine.

I'm out of things to say besides that I've read some AMAZING books lately. I'm going to put that I'm currently reading the book I finished yesterday because it was an incredible thing. I spent all of last night sobbing and getting inspired by this book. Ok, I think I'm almost feeling brave enough to go lay down. Nighty!